Do you think of me too? What do you do when you wake up in the middle of the night remembering a half left conversation?
I wanted you in everything but now, you just exist in my memories. You’re just a fragment of my imagination but I drag you in every conversation that I make. Even though, we have fallen together and fallen apart, apart, apart a million times, I still think of you like someone that was truly mine.
You were a little too imperfect, a little too messy but when you hugged me you meant it, and you were clumsy and tragically flawed but too good at heart, and I guess that’s why I loved you.
You said ‘I swear’ like it was your favourite word. Sometimes, I felt like you promised me that that you would never let me go but you left me one day and never returned, and that has made all the difference.
I sometimes question myself that if this would be any different, would I be wiser or would I choose you all over and break my heart a million times again and still be happy in its entirety that it’s atleast by someone that I couldn’t ever regret? Well, to choose you and live with you, even though it hurts like a billion pricks shoved right at my heart,I would still do it all over again. For you, a thousand times over.
I sometimes think if all of this is wrong–missing someone who isn’t around anymore. But then I have realized that there’s no other way. I love what I love. And even if there was a better choice, even if there were a trillion stars lighting up the whole sky, I would always know which part of cosmos I am happy with. I would always choose love and pain over a thousand better things even though people kept telling me how I deserved better but no matter how we all talk about happy endings, we will always have a thing for unfinished conversations and the only things that made us feel; the only things that we were told to let go.
And that is how we live life—whether we want to or not.
I look at you and it is as if I have loved only you a thousand times in a hundred different forms, again and again.Through this cycle of birth, down the ages without fail my soul has searched for you. My captivated soul has forever spun words into garlands of song in all the forms you worn them.
My aching heart longs to know will you happily accept my gift of love through this cycle of birth, down the ages without fail or will you leave me here dying craving for you?
The more I hear that long lost story of love and the pangs of that ancient love and the tale of the love which has been lost and found, a distant memory comes a vision across the dark night of time and at last I see your face in eternally bright like a constant guiding star in midst of life.
We have swam together or was I alone in this stream of love?From its source in the heart of times long gone by, a voice speaks inside that we have played hide and seek with delight.
With a million other lovers bathed in tears of happiness and pain, bashed in the grasp of togetherness –a timeless bond in ever changing form, they under lie in the flame of love.
Today they find their place in glorious abandon at your feet.Universal joy and sorrow, the devotion within the universal soul have all come to bear fruit in this one love of ours imbued with the memory of all who have loved before. Our love is the symphony of fairytale that has forever been sung.
Some days I almost turn off my alarm and try to sleep but then I force myself a little and make it to the workplace, and then everything feels normal. Some days I almost leave the shower open and sit under it and weep, but then I rub my eyes and dry myself and walk out. Some days I am almost 3 seconds away from breaking down and collapsing, but then I hold on and close my eyes and sleep. Some days I almost drive my car to a road that I have never been to but then I turn and come back home. Some days I almost kiss a stranger and let go of all the perplexities inside my head but then I stop and sit in a corner of the pub, listening to some Secondhand Serenade songs. Some days I almost book a ticket to some far away town for an escape, but then I grab my pullover and sit down staring at the starry vault of heaven. Some days I almost ramble around a sunflower garden and feel like being there forever, but then I check my mails and calls and get back to work. Some days I almost convince myself to never return, but then I remind myself to stay a little sane. Some days I want to sleep on my mother’s lap and tell her about how everything was supposed to be, but I don’t want her to worry about me. Some days I almost pack all my dreams and desires and throw them out of the window, but then I light a cigarette and numb by thoughts. Some days I almost lose all my hope in love and people, but then I take a pen and write about how much the world needs both of the things. Some days I almost scream out my lungs, but then I drink some water and gulp down the choking lump in my throat. Some days I almost stand on the verge of falling down from my terrace, but then I walk away and sit down drinking a bottle of water. Some days I almost want to shout it aloud to him that love is not all that it takes to heal, but then I see him trying so hard to keep me happy. Some days I almost pray for death, but then I remember everyone who is attached to me.
Some days I try it hard to be okay but it’s not okay and I guess I need to accept that I am not fine and give myself some time to sleep a little more, mourn, travel and cry.
”I see you have been painting these days. Did you forget me?”you asked
I look at your face, filled with curiosity and excitement which would turn into a burst of happiness,pride and fake sympathy when I would say no.
“You know what, I often trod on the paths we took and think how we used to sit in one corner and laugh and talk. Some days when I am on a date with some guy, I find myself sitting on the chairs where we once sat and blushed looking at each other. I will always remember the first time when I realised I love you. I was standing some 5 feet away from you and you stood there looking at me. And for a moment, I felt like I am so alone. I felt like I am incomplete. So I raced and hugged you tightly. And at that particular moment, my universe felt complete. At that particular moment I felt like there was no hole in my heart, not anymore. I knew I loved you. But do you know how it is now? I remember the places I go and think about you sometimes. But I never find myself mumbling your name. I never find myself imagining you when I am with someone else. Listening to our song- “Can’t help falling in love” doesn’t hurt me anymore. I don’t wake up remembering about you and neither I fall asleep dreaming about you. I don’t read our chats anymore and I don’t feel like the need to. And when I saw you standing there, I didn’t feel incomplete anymore, although there’s a hole in my heart. But now when you are sitting beside me, I don’t feel like that hole is filled.I feel like that hole is growing more when I see you. You don’t fulfill me anymore. You empty me.
So when I trod on the paths and think about you, I often find myself forcing our memories on my mind. I find myself opening the closet and searching for pieces from my past. I come back home and sit under the stars and think, when these nights are long and I remember how the hour of darkness passed like seconds talking to you. I wonder if you are my habit or my intention. I wonder if I really miss you or is it something I am trying to? ”
You look at me and smile. And at that moment, slowly the hole stopped growing anymore and I knew I don’t miss you, not anymore I thought while looking at you.
”So you have replaced me” you read my eyes in the blink of an eye just like before.
I stared at you while picking my paint brush and mumbled ”I take on my paintbrushes to colour in gaps in the very fabric of my existence you know, reserving the brightest yellows and pinks for the grey blots on my soul. When I’m painting I spare no thought rather save it for the paper before me, I forget what it’s like to be who I am and everything that I can not do. It’s more like I’m one with god or whatever powers that govern the universe and I make you mine in there so that there remains no void in me”.
There’s face in the crowd
Crying for help out loud
Longs for help but doesn’t shout
Contrapted soul cries aloud
I spread a hand in the dark
Living dead doesn’t bark
I light a candle in the dark
Aching soul melts apart
‘What’s the pay?’asks the soul
‘Light a lantern for every howl’.
I remember my vows. The last one was that I would be with you forever. I’m sorry that I couldn’t live up to it, but I’m here. I’m always here. Watching you, loving you. The minute I saw you,I fell in love. I’m sorry that you had to fall in love with me too. I’m sorry that you had to date me for three years and fall deeper. I’m sorry that you had to marry me and spend three more unforgettable years with me. I’m sorry that the cancer had to be constant companion of mine and grow inside me to take me apart from you.Steadily, it killed me day by day before devouring me once and for all.
I know you’re crying now. Don’t. You don’t have to. The six years I’ve spent with you are probably the best years of my life. I’ve been thankful for every day, every second with you. Of course we lost each other. And I know that you’re lost and confused, much more than I am. But always remember that I loved you. I loved you truly and dearly. I still do, except that that doesn’t make any difference now. You’re probably going to be sad for a long time before moving on, but I want you to know something,I might be on the other side of the horizon, but I will always love you. A whole world apart, I might be above the heavens but that wouldn’t restrain myself from loving you.
An unfair depart.But always know that you are the best and most important part of my life.You are the streak of light that cut across the gloom whenever I was disturbed.And now I want you to promise me, and moreover, promise yourself that you’ll find someone to be with. You’re young, you’re a delight. I know I love you and I know you love me too.
But promise me that you’ll give yourself another chance to be loved. Promise yourself that you’ll give someone else a chance to love you.Promise me that you’ll give me a chance to see you happy again.
The 50 year oldman reads the letter again sitting on his wheelchair and smiles. ‘I fell in love dear. I gave another version of you a chance to love me. I fell in love over and over with your memories. I’m happy, I’m complete’, he says while looking up at the sky.
Inside my little tears and fears, wrapped up in photographs and call recordings, recalled in form of laughter and little fights in a hundred lanes and held in the warmth of my heart, head and soul, bled in form of inscriptions and love, chanted like a hymn in the soft mutterings during my sleep, inked forever making a history slowly casted into unsent letters and poetry- and that is how I keep you.
Sneaked inside the pocket of my old blue jeans, tossed between the imperfections and beauties of the world, fired like a million bullets on my roof in form of heavy rains, kissed like dew drops on a flower in a foggy morning, and embraced like a storm forming a hurricane in my heart- the same hugs just like you did, melting my anger and ending up in our favourite song- that is how I keep you,sliding you in every little and bigger possibility, re-lived and loved again and again, finding a tiny room for our memories in a world full of happy homes. Isn’t that what love is? I ask myself.
We may lose touch but we hold each other even when we fall apart. People may fade away because they start believing a little less on the love they have. And I am privileged to be loved by someone like you, someone who for once and all gave up on me and on whom I can never give up. You’ve become a part of me as I carry your heart in my heart. How can I ever escape from the prison that’s a part of me?
Yes, you are the prison I never want to escape even when you’re not mine.