An open letter to someone who demanded explanation

Dear you,

I’m a broken person, I accept. Every broken thing can’t be fixed, you should accept it too. My edges are sharp and you should better stay away.

I know you don’t get why I push people away from myself. At times, even I don’t. I think I’m scared of intimacy and attachment. It’s easy to move on without these two in the scene. I know it’s not always that one has to leave, one has to move on but I know I can’t stay for long. Either I leave or I make people leave. It’s because I’m toxic and I know it. You’d give me all that you have and I wouldn’t even appreciate, let alone reciprocate. I’d compel you to leave and the moment you’d turn away, I’d call you back. I’d want you to listen but I wouldn’t speak. I’d ask you to leave but I’d want you to stay. You’ll lose your mind, trust me. 

My mind is a complete chaos. There are times when I just want to escape from myself but I can’t. What I feel is something I can’t explain. All I know is that there’s a void inside me. All this time I thought I could fill it with the love people would give to me and perhaps, one day I’d become whole and reciprocate it all but as it turns out, love was never filling in that void, it was only getting lost in it, consumed and destroyed. Now that I’ve realised it, I’m trying to save people by pushing them away from me.

So if I push you away, go. Don’t turn back when I call out for you. I know leaving would hurt, but staying would hurt more. I’m asking you to run away from me because I can’t ask you to as I love you. 

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8 thoughts on “An open letter to someone who demanded explanation

  1. This is beautifully expressed, though it is heartbreaking. I don’t know why, but your writing makes songs pop in my head. This letter conjured up this one:

    People can’t fix other people. People have to make their own personal journey to come to terms with their demons, if they want to be able to make lasting connections with others. I hope there are at least a couple of people who are allowed inside your protective armor as trusted friends as you explore the chaos. I love your writing. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I hear you. I wish I was able to be there in person, just give you a warm hug, but words over the internet will have to do instead.
    Take care of you, and though across the emptiness these words sound trite as a bumper sticker, they are true: you’re worthwhile, precious, capable, and deserving of connections and happiness.
    Find it within yourself to believe it. Love yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

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