I don’t wait on anyone anymore because I can’t. It’s just not worth it. Everyone leave, and everything is so fragile and meaningless. We give life a meaning so that we can think of our lifespan as something purposeful. I want to forget that and just for a second, I want to think of this world without me in a way I never existed before. Then I try to think how that makes me feel… It makes me feel nothing. Because I am not a part of it. Things don’t matter to me unless I am essentially a part of it. All my faiths, beliefs, emotions- they’re here because of the me. Because they make life easier. There’s no point of anything unless I can make a purpose out of it. Now when I think about it, when I really really think about it, it makes me feel selfish and purposeless. Despite that, even if I accept myself for who I really am, it makes me wonder if it comes to a choice between the people and the things created by people what would I want to keep for myself. What is more important to me? Values or life, moral or people? I don’t know the answer and I don’t even want to. Because whatever the answer is it wouldn’t bring me peace. I sold my serenity to solidarity. All that lies in front of me today is an endless frosty winter.
This place is so cold even when the sun is shining right through my window, it’s dark even when the sun rays enter. I don’t think it’s true, but my mind has convinced me to believe it. Now I lay under this starry night. My bare body aches in pain. I try to wrap myself with these warm sheets but it’s not enough. I don’t think it’s my bare body that’s trying to survive this pain rather it’s my naked soul whose last piece of skin has been shredded off.
I never asked for too much. All I wanted was a home to keep this soul safe. I didn’t know what home meant at that point though. I thought maybe that’s four walls with a ceiling but apparently that wasn’t the case. The ceiling had to be strong enough. When the first storm came in the blink of an eye I lost my shelter. Then I let the storm hit me hard…over and over again until I was too numb to feel anything anymore. I tried contain myself within these fragile walls but I know my time is too short to compensate. So, I let myself fade away.
You know I like it when you think of me as one who actually cares, feels things like thorns pricking hearts, as someone who tried with all their might but failed despite that. But there’s more to that.
I know it feels good to think of healing someone till the point you are up at 3 am holding their pieces in your hand, the pieces of a heart which was torn apart by someone else. But I have even lost every way of describing it because in how many ways can you describe being destroyed? Can you even describe it?
Do not promise me forever because I will probably believe you for a minute and it would break me to know the very next moment that you never meant it. And for heaven’s sake don’t say that you won’t do it. Everyone else who left said the same.
Do not fall in love with me because I will constantly pester you to tell me why you love me. And you will never be able to satisfy my queries. Because for every quality you describe, I will tell you two drawbacks.
But don’t think that makes me weaker. I am not weak. I know that I can survive without anyone. I’ve already lost my dearest ones once, what would losing twice or thrice or even more times mean to me?
Nothing, I am telling you. I would cry for a week but never let anyone see my tears and I would be done with it because I know it just isn’t worth it. Don’t think you are not worth it. You are but the idea of forever isn’t.
So I redefined our forever. Maybe forever is just a moment maybe when a long lost dear one call me back just to see my face for a second time, or when his blue eyes sparkle in the sun and his skin shines like soft light from heaven or the moment you sit through all my babbling even though I can tell you are already done with me for the night or the moment when you think your dream life is to live with me by the beach with cats. I wish the moments could last longer but it doesn’t.
I wish I could be a better person for you. I wish I could take a leap of faith and believe you but my instincts won’t let me. I wish I could be redeemed but irony is my time is too short to compensate.
I love those tiny scratches you absentmindedly make behind your ear as a smile slowly finds its way on your lips when you’re talking to me.
I love you when you make reasons to talk to me and it’s clearly visible that you don’t need to. I love you on those rainy Saturday nights when the blanket wasn’t warm enough that I had to imagine you holding me tightly.
I love you as all those slow, contented breaths wraps around my face. I love you on the night I have fever and all I can think of is dying but your thoughts makes the night bearable.
I love your contagious laughs that steals my breath away and turns your mild blue eyes sparkle with happiness that reverberates around which make me feel like you’re my home.
I love you even when you’re away even the times you turn around and go the other way. As I love you the entangled darkness of the complexity that surrounds us disentangle itself and the stars pour its light to protect us. Here our dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true. Here is the realm where I love you.
As I stare up in the sky and slowly count the stars that are embedded on its black sheet, I wonder how are you doing or if you are also gazing on them.
Honestly, I hate this very feeling tonight, because as I glance up at those twinkling dots, series of flashbacks keep on crashing in my head—those recollections of your memories are leisurely meandering inside my mind, yet in just a blink of an eye, those could also crushed down my heart into thousands and millions of tiny pieces.
Loving you has always been one of the things that I had been dreaming of—because for a person like me, I was never even looking forward to experience a miracle right in front of me. Truth be told—loving you was actually never been a part of my life’s bucket list, but when you came, it was placed on the top of my priorities.
I have never prayed to Him to give me more life to stay here in the ground even when I was standing in the fine line between life and death, but when you entered my crumbled world, I always catch myself whispering prayers to Him for another set of heartbeats and breaths—for another years and months to be in here—just to be with you. Even when the horizon hid you in vain, I knew right then that it meant an extension of my life—a pretty little infinity of ours. Would you laugh if I tell you that I had also prayed that our “umm-hmm” will become “I do”, one day? This is how much I cherish you.
But this is time for me to let you go. It will hurt for the time being but I know it the right thing to do. I love you and I have to let you go. I hope whomever you stay with, you feel happy and loved.
Loving you is the most painful and terrifying moment that I had experienced, yet it is also the best time that I have in me. And now I know it is time for me to let you go .The marks you left were beautiful scars that I will always trace my fingers to. And after this heavy rain in my life, I know the arc of rainbow in the sky will be your lips smiling widely at me.
As I stare up in the sky and slowly count the stars that are embedded on its black sheet, I know that you are already one with them in my memory. I know you will always be there to guide me. Even though I have to say goodbye just know that you’ll be forever in me.
For the last time, hear this—you may be one of the persons who will be a part of my past, you will not be there with me in my upcoming days but you will always be on my future; for I will always look forward to meeting you in another world and live within our little infinity.
And I like you more than certain songs on a lonely night, more than a mug of coffee on a snowy evening, more than distinct smell of old books on a lazy afternoon or even more than the sound of rain against the window of my room. I like you more than the melted chocolate on my fingertips and more than the Christmas lights and the pure holiday bliss. I guess what I’m trying to say is I like you more than anything I’ve ever liked but sadly this too will be unknown to you like a thousand other things.
Always yours from a far,
This will be just another secret buried between the thick pages written in black ink. A secret you will never know no matter what the intensity of your curiosity is. No matter if it is in the same hole that has been growing in me forever or burning me to ashes every time I try to look around. The reason for it is simply that you’re completely something else than anything I have ever known. You are made from the ashes of a Phoenix and shy smiles of soft touches. You carry the calm in one hand and chaos in the other. You bring all of my dreams and reality together and I, I can do nothing but watch from a far. Steal glances in return for stealing my breath away and somehow I know that you will be my catastrophic end. I know our colliding worlds will leave nothing behind but I still want to close my eyes and take a leap of faith right before the storm just for one last dance with you in the rain.
I know it has only been a few months we’ve known each other but will you believe me if I told you that in this short period of time, you have become the only fact that is true in my life? Irrational yet constant like the ultimate singularity that is infinitely distant.
You are the stories of my backspace buttons like the hiding shadow of the sun in this cold days. You are the imperfection that makes everything feel perfect, the beats of a wornout favorite or the last time lapse between each of my breathes.
You are here but you aren’t here. You’re the miracle that I want, the one I need to get me through each passing moment. But you’re like the shooting star I wish upon which has already reached the ground.
You and I have a world together. The one away from everything yet in the midst of everyone. You’re the paradox where forever that lasts few seconds yet that is the only moment of the day that feels true. Every morning I feel the infatuation will evaporate but there is something new about you everyday. You’re the book I never get tired of reading. You are the vastness that wraps every piece of existence.
Sometimes when you look at me, your entity makes me want to fade away but I never wanted to fade. Do you hear me? I don’t want to fade. I want a piece of home within your infinitude and stay there forever.
I’m a broken person, I accept. Every broken thing can’t be fixed, you should accept it too. My edges are sharp and you should better stay away.
I know you don’t get why I push people away from myself. At times, even I don’t. I think I’m scared of intimacy and attachment. It’s easy to move on without these two in the scene. I know it’s not always that one has to leave, one has to move on but I know I can’t stay for long. Either I leave or I make people leave. It’s because I’m toxic and I know it. You’d give me all that you have and I wouldn’t even appreciate, let alone reciprocate. I’d compel you to leave and the moment you’d turn away, I’d call you back. I’d want you to listen but I wouldn’t speak. I’d ask you to leave but I’d want you to stay. You’ll lose your mind, trust me.
My mind is a complete chaos. There are times when I just want to escape from myself but I can’t. What I feel is something I can’t explain. All I know is that there’s a void inside me. All this time I thought I could fill it with the love people would give to me and perhaps, one day I’d become whole and reciprocate it all but as it turns out, love was never filling in that void, it was only getting lost in it, consumed and destroyed. Now that I’ve realized it, I’m trying to save people by pushing them away from me.
So if I push you away, go. Don’t turn back when I call out for you. I know leaving would hurt, but staying would hurt more. I’m asking you to run away from me because I can’t ask you to stay as I love you.