Imprisoned

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Inside my little tears and fears, wrapped up in photographs and call recordings, recalled in form of laughter and little fights in a hundred lanes and held in the warmth of my heart, head and soul, bled in form of inscriptions and love, chanted like a hymn in the soft mutterings during my sleep, inked forever making a history slowly casted into unsent letters and poetry- and that is how I keep you.

Sneaked inside the pocket of my old blue jeans, tossed between the imperfections and beauties of the world, fired like a million bullets on my roof in form of heavy rains, kissed like dew drops on a flower in a foggy morning, and embraced like a storm forming a hurricane in my heart- the same hugs just like you did, melting my anger and ending up in our favourite song- that is how I keep you,sliding you in every little and bigger possibility, re-lived and loved again and again, finding a tiny room for our memories in a world full of happy homes. Isn’t that what love is? I ask myself.

We may lose touch but we hold each other even when we fall apart. People may fade away because they start believing a little less on the love they have. And I am privileged to be loved by someone like you, someone who for once and all gave up on me and on whom I can never give up. You’ve become  a part of me as I carry your heart in my heart. How can I ever escape from the prison that’s a part of me?

Yes, you are the prison I never want to escape even when you’re not mine.

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Liebster Award

First I’d like to thank Greyzzielstories ( https://wp.me/p9OAzC-7b )  for nominating me for the Liebster Award. I feel honored and thanks again. Greyzzielstories consists of many amazing posts. She also shares some of her activities on her blog. She’s one of those who welcomed and encouraged me when I was just starting (specially my paintings page when I added that page for the first time). 

The rules for the 2018 award are as follows:

•  Thank the person who nominated you
• Display the award on your post
• Write a small post about what makes you passionate about blogging
• Provide 10 random facts about yourself
• Answer the questions given to you
• Nominate 5-11 other blogs for this award
• Ask them creative and unique questions of your own
• List the rules and inform your nominees of the award

  • I started blogging because I love to write. Writing about my feelings almost makes me feel like I have someone to share my situation with even though I probably don’t know the person .
  • My absolute best blog post is Muse 
  • The uncertainty of life inspires me.
  •  The three things I would put in a time capsule to show people 1,000 years from now what life was like in 2018 is : Dawn of huge industrialization, leap of environment pollution and the rate of countryside rapidly turning into cities
  •  If I could go anywhere, I’d go to New York
  • Completing my college is the one thing I’m looking forward to completing
  • I used to have a pet
  • My bed is my best writing spot
  • Living for each day is my greatest success to date I presume
  • The advice I’d give a brand-new blogger is just keep writing.



    Now my nominations :

    Now my question for the nominees are: 

    1. Why did you start blogging?
    2. Which blog post is your absolute best? Please explain!
    3. Who inspires you?
    4. What three things would you put in a time capsule to show people 1,000 years from now what life was like in 2018?
    5. If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
    6. What’s one thing you’re looking forward to completing?
    7. Do you have a pet?
    8. Where is your best writing spot?
    9. What’s your greatest success to date?
    10. What advice would you give a brand-new blogger?

    I’m excited to hear from you. I wish you a wonderful day ❤

    Slow poisoning

     

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    It was beautiful – the weather, the thunders, the light storm and mostly you. I looked at your face and felt satisfied. Like I didn’t want to see anything else except for your deep black eyes which shone like pearls and your failed attempts of looking at me from the corner of your eyes. 

    Somedays you would tell me about your favorite things or probably ask about mine or say that you love me over and over again and so would I. And then, I would fall again in love with you. And I bet you did too but we never were together.

    There are other days too when you would love me but still be quiet. And some days I’d realize I can’t be without you but it would be impossible to tell you defying your coldness. But I swear I missed you everyday and yes, I missed you even when you were beside me because you were like a moment;unable to hold. We were on at an instant and then apart in another. I stood under the vault of heaven in another breezy night. You talked to me as if you’re with me then after just a moment you were no longer there. I take a deep breath and get lost in my thoughts thinking about you. You bid me goodnight.

    And I am stuck here still wondering maybe you liked things in little infinities rather than getting a whole universe. Maybe you loved me in fractions rather than entirely.
    My mind is torn across bridges . And eyes dull with sleepless nights. It is not something that you should be interested to read I know, but still if you are still reading it then thank you for staying back to listen.

    I can feel my numbness as I write this and I keep asking myself if have I too forgot to love? Do I fail to fall for infinities in that night sky like you?

    I might not have got the answers, or maybe I have. All of a sudden, a rush of memories fall back and then I start to listen to that silence plunging inside me for days. And I know I used to be better than what the slow poisoning of love has broken me into.




    Story of another void galaxy

    ”You and I, both are the parts of the same universe. But you are a glittery sky full colorful nebula and stars and I’m a void galaxy, too lonely, too far. If you are the north or south pole then I am a piece of wood. Our paths don’t collide. That is what I’ve learnt in your accompany…thank you for everything” I told him.

    When I was young, I talked about honesty and loyalty. I believed that humans were sane and empathetic. I would never do something to hurt somebody, and if I did… I could never sleep without a heartache. I was taught to be the kinder and forgiving person and I—I tried my best to be good at it.

    But as I grew up, I realized that humans are crazy and selfish. I remember that I would sit crying on my mother’s arms and ask her if that was how the world was supposed to be, but she still told me to be the kinder and forgiving person. I never denied her advice.

    I found friends and I found love. I remember how I saved their numbers on my phone and made beautiful handmade greetings on their birthdays. I had always been there for everybody and maybe that’s why people took me for granted. I had always been a backup option. I am still a backup option.

    As I grew up, I realized that being kind was a synonym for being weak and vulnerable. I realized that people just wanted to be happy and cool, no matter how much it costs to the other person. I realized that you should never have a friend, you should always think about yourself and that virtues are only mere words that exist in dictionaries and religious books.

    They told me that being cold is the new strong but they forgot to tell me that you slowly grow heartless and then you realize that nothing can hurt you, and trust me that alone hurts you more than anything in this world. You feel like you are a rock. I slowly grew self centered and happy and that felt like the best thing ever.

    Suddenly, I met someone who was an older version of me—so pure, strong, kind, and beautiful from within. But I’ve just hurt him badly and I don’t really feel sorry about it although I asked you for a thousand apologies but my words were as hollow as my faith in people. You turned to me and asked if that was the how the world was supposed to be and I, I replied, “Be the kinder and forgiving person” and slowly I witnessed you turning like me—cold and alone.

    I realized that maybe we were all kinder souls once, and that we ourselves are responsible for our heartaches.

    We break our hearts so that nobody break ours.

    Anchor

    To people life itself is a gift.  Afterwards whatever is offered to life, its rights are already taken over, drop by drop all of it. We’ve sipped all sad memories with life’s palm filled with  nectar. Our soulful offerings that we claim to offer were only its fairings. The more as life accepted, the more we indebted our soul. See that’s the reason I no longer look for my mistakes or successes. I lie on my bed with galaxies wrapped around my bare soul. I am bare. My chest is heavy with downpours of niveous pain. Moonlit candles burn on my waxed ribs and I feel heavy with melted shreds of my skin. The spring is no longer beautiful. The first bud of spring doesn’t overwhelm me again. It’s winter all over me and it’s so cold around that I can barely breath. I loose myself to bare cuts to feel pain again but I am too numb for that. I can’t feel my body and entity is already fading. Am I alive? Am I dead? There are no answers to this darkness I received in return of remnant rays of rising sun. There are orphic questions surrounding. I look at the closed door open to pain. I look at the broken window crying in vain. I am home to winter lost in dreams of apricity. I am solitary wanderer eating insanity. And I feel like I am surviving in chaotic darkness. Will I ever get back on my feet? And just at that moment a heavy breeze ran all over my face and at that moment right there I had a moment with my soul.

    And that made me realize that a part of me is still there and how blessed I am to be still alive

    Stargazing

    I love how those stars smile at me. Those twinkling dots in the vast darkness always make me realize that there is a bright sight of every insecurity. 
    But I wonder what makes you sit here.’Why are you here?’ I asked you. You were still looking up at the sky waiting for me to say something more. 

    ‘You hate stargazing’ I mumbled. ‘Yes I do and it’s the last time’ you said while still looking up. Puzzled and confused, I looked at you. It wasn’t the first time you said those words.
    ”Why do you love to look at the stars?”you asked.

    I smiled and said, ‘I don’t know but I feel like some of them are really meant to guide me,make me smile. Like some of those tiny shiny dots are just for me’.

    I sensed you were smiling after my answer. I wanted to ask the reason as that curved lips seemed so familiar to me. But instead I asked ‘Why do you hate to watch this phenomenal sight? Why do you hate stargazing?’

    You stared up at the starry night and said ‘It’s like watching someone die. These stars that we currently are watching are the dying ones. This beautiful panorama of dying stars is a graveyard of dying hopes for me. And those stars-those specks of light that you see in the velvet sky- are parts of you intended to shine just for you’

    ‘This will be our final glance’.

    And I remembered what just happened. I was talking to myself while another part of me just died giving me a sign to continue my journey.

    A little alive

    ​I imagine myself sitting on a couch while thinking about my fears and part of me would say ‘Death’ . I would wonder if death could ever happen to a me while  someone is still breathing. I would sit there quiet and look at the sky for a long long time.

    I would realise how years after years, I grew stronger. But with all the strength that I piled up, my heart became colder with time. I realised I was turning into a corpse inside, pale and frozen. My light and shine was now a dim flickering bulb on a stormy night on the very verge of fading.

    My soul was becoming a less warmer place to stay, and maybe that’s why people leave me often now because I have no heat to keep them alive anymore. They don’t feel like they could take me with them anymore so they dig a graveyard and grave our memories and leave me on the ground, alone, making me grow a little more bitter.

    But maybe there’s still a chance for me to return, because I am breathing still. And as long as I am breathing, I will never be in short of hopes and maybe’s.

    And then someone from the inside me would ask what is my biggest fear again and I would bend my head down and take a deep breath and sigh, “What a treacherous thing would it be to die long before I gasp for the last breath of my life!”

    I would look again at the purple blue no moon sky enlightened with a thousand fireflies and a starry night and realise that it’s never too late to be a little alive.